At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
