How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
