K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
