Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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