My liver just broke up with me...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
