And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
