There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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