I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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