Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
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The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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