the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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