i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize