I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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