I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
