it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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