And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
