i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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