ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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