Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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