HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
