My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
