My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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