Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
