I can tuck mytits in my pants
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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