remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Verdict: uncircumcised.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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