Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize