I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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