i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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