Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
