I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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