hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He has the fingertips of a God
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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