I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
