i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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