He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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