He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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