i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
