i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
