she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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