if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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