i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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