Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
