So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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