Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
