I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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