dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
