god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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