i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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