last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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