happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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