I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
