Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it's like heaven, but drunker
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
