haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize