I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
