sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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