Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
