i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
