I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
